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| 01.31.04 (10:43 pm) [edit] |
Sick. In pain - physically and emotionally. Really wish it would all end...but it doesn't. Never does.
So very happy for them. They deserve it, and it's so very sweet.
I just wish I was so lucky.
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| done |
| 01.27.04 (6:08 pm) [edit] |
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Mouth closed, enough of this. :)
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| Revelations |
| 01.26.04 (5:16 pm) [edit] |
Mood: Emotional
Song: "Special Cases" Massive Attack
Just when you thought things were bad and couldn't get worse...well, they do.
They say you have a right to freedom of speech. That you are allowed to express yourself in whatever means you feel suit (being that they stay within the boundaries of the law).
Did I say I was "bored" with all this? Hmm? Did I say I didn't want them to be happy? Did I say I didn't want to be a friend?
No. I didn't. Don't put words in my mouth. Don't trash me for how I feel. And don't dare be pissed at me, because you're being hypocritical. If you think for a minute that I've never read what *you* say, you're seriously mistaken. I have. I do. And I will. I even have the proof, whether you believe it's deleted or not.
You've said the exact same kind of things before. Saying how much you hate feeling a certain way, you hate us for what we did (or didn't do). I hate myself for what I didn't do. I think about it every day - how I failed you. How things could be so much different; so much better if I hadn't been such a f*cking, selfish bitch. I regret my actions that day now, and probably will forever. And you won't ever let me, or the others, ever forget it.
So I'm sorry if I came off as offensive. I'm sure it's not the first time. But I can't help how I feel.
So yeah, go off and have fun with him. You're happy, I know that. Enjoy it, because you're lucky. Though I still can't fathom how anyone knows what love is at 14, I do support you. But don't ask me for advice, because I don't have it. I can be giddy and cheery for you. I can repeat "Wow" and "oh my god" over and over again. Yet that's as far as it'll go. I don't know what more to say. Talk about him all you want. Just know that I don't understand you and your situation. I don't understand how it feels to be where you are. But please remember that I am your friend. And that no matter how annoyed I may seem sometimes, I love ya like a sister, and I don't ever want that to change for the worse.
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| Misery |
| 01.25.04 (8:37 pm) [edit] |
Mood: Pathetic
Song: "Out Of Control" Hoobastank
Okay, first off - Yes, I suck. I'm a pathetic loser without a life. I know that, I hate that, and I honestly don't know what to do to change that. Life (mostly love) is just a big downer for me lately. But I honestly don't know what love is. My two best friends feel it for each other, and I'm sorry, but it started off being cute and cool. Then it got a little annoying. Frusterating. Strange. Gross. Upsetting... Basically, I'm hating the fact, but there's nothing I can do to stop it. They deserve it (whatever), so yeah - they can go on and have fun saying their "I love you"'s while I sit around like a loner, feeling extremely uncomfortable around them, and honestly becoming more and more clueless by the minute when she's asking me questions about what to do.
How. The. Hell. Would. I. Know!?!
Hi, I'm Cait. The stupid freak who's never been out on a date, nor had any guy even like her.
Does that sound to you like somebody who know what advice to give out concerning love-related issues? No? Didn't think so.
I mean, I don't even know if I want to bother troubling the two of them with my presence. Even just tonight it took a helluva lot of effort to get her to hang out, because she wanted to stay home and wait for the phone to ring - for him to call. Yeah... thanks.
I know that I'm bitter. I know that I'm selfish. I know that they're both going to read this and talk to me about it(hey, maybe they won't being that their so wrapped up in each other). But I also know that I don't care. I'll lie to them, saying "Oh no, that blog? Nah, that didn't mean anything - I'll delete right now!". Delete it? Maybe. Admit to the fact it *does* bother me, this *is* how I feel? Never.
To hell with life and its problems. To love and its misery. I don't know what love is now, and I doubt I ever will.
I'll be alone forever.
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| A quick update |
| 01.16.04 (11:17 pm) [edit] |
Mood: Tired
Song: "Future Proof" Massive Attack (Alex!! download this!! :D )
Okie, so not much going on lately other than the fact I've been swamped by school work. Have a HUGE Math exam on Wednesday, and have spent the past few days, as well as all this coming weekend and the days leading up to the date studying. Even writing two old exams of the same kind to get a feel for it. So that leaves me with at the very least 3 or 4 hours of math homework. Another many gruesome hours for English for my stupid project. Got to have the fairly lengthy essay rough draft done this weekend, along with filling out a bunch of sheets. Also need to start thinking more about that stupid presentation I have to make on the topic.
For once I actually have drafting homework! Need to find 50 various logos online. Easy, but time-consuming.
So kind of a waste of a Friday night. Was going to go to the hockey game, but my parents decided to take some of their friends instead. Caiti and Alex ended up going (when they *never* go to hockey games - I usually have to make them come), as did everybody else I know, so it left Geoff and I to sit around watching tv for hours and hours until I fell asleep and he decided to leave at about 10:30.
I really need to get a life.
Starting working more on a website just now. Divided the site into 2 seperate sites which doesn't help much for the bandwith (3 page views a day! pfft!), but whatever. Check it out at: http://geocities.com/aptlydem...
Anyways, I think I'm gonna head off to bed now. Haven't been feeling well at all lately. Been wanting to throw up constantly the past 3 days, but haven't said anything about it to anyone...until now. It's annoying.
So yeah, off I go.
'night all.
PS: As if working around to get my blog layout right last time wasn't hard enough, now tblog has a whole new thing for layout. Ughh....
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| :) |
| 01.11.04 (6:06 pm) [edit] |
Mood: Ah, content
Song: "Hemorrhage" Fuel (great band!)
Okie, so I've sorta forgotten about my blog lately. Not sure why. It's no longer Christmas break, so now I'm back at school and busy again. Oh, yay. Though school hasn't been that bad. Fairly easy, actually. Semester's almost over, so the teachers are slowing down...somewhat. Math has been all self-guided lately, gym is just basketball and floor hockey, pretty easy considering I'm just one of two girls in my class who actually participate - go me! Science is just science. We have a fair bit to do yet, but it's not been very hard at all. Seems like we do nothing but answer questions from our text book and then talk about whatever new topic there is going on outside of school. English...okay, I've reached the point where I'm actually starting to not like English. Not like it! I mean, that's new for me. I love english. But now we got assigned this huge project on Human Rights. A large essay; a visual display on a backboard, powerpoint, etc; and get this... a 10-minute speech on the topic you chose. My topic? Racial Profiling. aka, Racism. Fun, fun. But it's better than doing Abortion like every other girl in my class. So whatever. That'll be...interesting. Have to do that stupid inquiry process, which I hate. I never plan stuff out. I keep it in my head, write, and almost every time it turns out really good. That works for me. This... doesn't. Anyways, and Drafting is so simple. Right now I'm building a bridge out of paper, cardboard, blue, and tape. lol, constructive, eh? Next I need to find 25 logos online from any brand or whatever, glue them on some paper and hand 'em easy. So simple. Good thing that class is at the end of the day. I can just goof off and literally do nothing. :)
So, had a cool pep rally on Friday at school for the huge Maple Leaf Classic Invitational Basketball Tournament our school is hosting. It was probably the greatest pep rally I've been to yet. So hilarious. But I won't go into much detail, being that everyone who will read this probably was there anyways. For those who weren't...2 guys kissing another guy's chest is about as far as I'll go ;) The girls in the crowd definitely enjoyed it...especially that one shirtless guy....wow...;) :D
'right then. Well, I guess that's about it now. I think I'm gonna head off to bed early - after watching a rerun of Smallville on the WB of course;)
'night all! :D
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| It's My B-Day! |
| 01.06.04 (2:20 pm) [edit] |
Mood: Happy, happy, happy!
Song: Anything off of A Perfect Circle's "Mer De Noms" CD
Yay! Today's my 15th birthday. Not anything special, I know, but I'm having fun. So far I've got some really, really nice, but really, really expensive Tommy Girl perfume. It smells wonderful. Along with an awesome new bathing suit both from my parents. A Perfect Circle's "Mer De Noms" CD and a cool jewelry box from my brother. And then two shirts from my Aunt. That stuff I got all on Sunday night, though. (strangely though, that's not even half of the amount of stuff I got last year...which is okay, I guess, considering all my millions of relatives have now moved away or forgotten about us lately)
Not sure what I'm doing tonight... I made sure I had no plans because Caiti had asked to do so, but now she and Geoff are talking about wanting to see Lord Of The Rings (god, world's worst movies). So I dunno. Guess I may end up just spending the night home by myself. Fun, eh?
Yeah, great...
Well, uh. Talk to ya later, blog.
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"'Twixt truth and madness lies but a sliver of a stream"
-Hamlet, Shakespeare
~*~*~*~
"I have to remind myself that some birds aren't meant to be caged. Their feathers are just too bright. And when they fly away, the part of you that knows it was a sin to lock them up DOES rejoice. Still, the place you live in is that much more drab and empty that they're gone."
-The Shawshank Redemption
~*~*~*~
"We all start off wanting to change the world, but in the end the only thing that matters is changing one person's world."
-Unknown
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